Stuck In a Closet With Emmett
by BlackBeauty613
Summary: Emmett and Bella are accidentally locked inside a closet together. One of them is bound to lose their minds. Just a quick little three minute drabble, no romance.
1. Stuck In a Closet With Emmett

**Before you read, I have to warn you that this is my first Twilight story. I think I got most of the stuff right because I'm in the middle of Breaking Dawn right now, so all the info should be right, I think. Anywho, I wanted to have my first Twilight story be the big full-length one that I'm planning right now, but I thought it'd be simpler if I started out with a little drabble. So...READ!!! **

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"Emmett?"

"Yeah, Bells?"

"You're stupid."

"Hey, words hurt! And is it my fault that the door locks from the outside?"

"No, but it _is_ your fault that you dropped the key!"

"Well, sorry that my hand got sweaty!"

"You're a _vampire_! Your hands don't get sweaty!"

"Oh. Right..."

"Ugh, you're an idiot..."

"And you're a whiner!"

"At least I don't drop keys from outside of a tiny closet!"

"But you do fall over your feet all the time."

"You push me half the time!"

"I do not!"

"Do to!"

"Do not!"

"Do to!"

"Do not! No comebacks!"

"You are so immature."

"Hear it all the time from Rose. Nothing new, kid."

"Still can't figure out how she puts up with you."

"Vampires can concentrate on lots of things at once, remember?"

"So she doesn't listen to you half the time?"

"Nope."

"Smart girl..."

"Again with the words!"

"Sorry. Now, can't you just break the door down or something to get us out of here? Being locked in a closet with you isn't worth trying to find my shoes from last night anymore."

"Oh yeah, _that's_ why we came here in the first place!"

"Yeah, going back to you being an idiot."

"That would hurt my heart if it was beating."

"Emmett David Cullen, can you get us out of here or not!"

"If I wanted to, I could take this baby down, no sweat."

"Ha, finally you figure out that you can't sweat!"

"I wasn't finished. I could if I felt like it."

"If? What's that supposed to mean?"

"Maybe I don't want to."

"WHAT?! Why?!"

"Because you're mean to me."

"Oh, stop being such a baby and get us out of here!"

"There you go again, Swan."

"Cullen, I swear if this doorway isn't cleared in the next three seconds, I'll-"

"You do realize that you're threatening a vampire, right? One who hasn't hunted in a week?"

"...you wouldn't dare..."

"You're right, I wouldn't. It's just fun seeing your little human reactions."

"Don't pat my head! And that wasn't funny!"

"Really? I thought it wasn't too bad..."

"A: You're thinking again. That's not a good sign. And B: Just break the damn door down before I tell Rosalie that you were flirting with Jessica."

"...you wouldn't."

"Try me."

"Bella, I'm serious, please don't do that to me! She'd tear me to pieces if she believed it and knowing her, she would! She's even more jealous than Mike Newton!"

"You could put yourself back together, right? You're the invincible, undead vampire here."

"Isabella Marie Swan!"

"How do you know my full name?"

"You're going out with my brother, remember?"

"He mentioned my full name?"

"Yeah, he never shuts up about you. It's always Bella this and Bella that. We know everything about you and honestly, it's starting to get a little annoying."

"Was that an insult?"

"Hmm, I don't know. I'll think about it."

"There you go thinking again. This has gotta stop, Emmett."

"Do you wanna get out of here or not, Bells?"

"Duh! And just for the record, I'll make sure that I'm never alone in the house with you again. Why didn't you tell me that the family was going hunting today and why didn't you go with them?"

"Alice caught me going through Edward's closet for going out with Rose and threatened to tell him if I went with them."

"Why?"

"They're going to the park about 35 minutes from here and they're overflowing with deer. They're her favorite and doesn't want me getting in the way with how thirsty I am."

"Just how thirsty _are_ you?"

"Didn't you see how pitch black my eyes are while you could still see?"

"Oh God, get us out of here before you kill me!"

"Jeez, Bella, calm down. I'm in perfect control of myself. Not sure why..."

"Wait, did you hear that?"

"The door opening?"

"..."

"Oh, hey, Jasper. When'd you get in?"

"..."

"What?"

"Why are you two locked in a closet together?"

"Long story."

"Do I want to hear it?"

"Get your mind out of the gutter, bro."

"Must I go get Rosalie and Edward?"

"Dude, do you really think that I would make out with my brother's human girlfriend in my condition?"

"Good point..."

"Thanks, Jasper, for keeping him under control. How long have you been back?"

"Let's just say that I agree with him on Edward's obsessive ways with you. He's very infatuated with you, Bella."

"Aww, really? That's so sweet."

"Oh yeah, and Emmett? Rosalie will be wanting to speak with you about cheating. She'll be waiting for you in your room."

"Damn..."

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**Lol, don't you just love Emmett? He's my favorite vamp besides Edward lol. So, how'd I do? Please REVIEW and tell me what you thought about this little pointless drabble :)**

**~Rachel :)**


	2. This Is Your Fault, You Know

**According to you guys' reviews, I just had to write a follow up to the first chapter. So here it is! Be warned that this is a little more graphic and not as kid-friendly as the first one :)**

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"Don't even say it."

"Bell-"

"Emmett, I'm warning you…"

"Bella, I'm sorr-"

"If you value your never-ending life, you'll can it! Right now!"

"But-"

"I'm serious!"

"But I _am_ sorry."

"SORRY?! YOU JUST LOCKED US IN A CLOSET FOR THE SECOND TIME IN 3 DAYS AND ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY IS THAT YOU'RE SORRY?! HOW THE _HELL_ COULD YOU DROP THE KEY _AGAIN_?!"

"It was an accident…"

"FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, EMMETT!!!"

"The immortal have sensitive ears, too…"

"DO I LOOK LIKE I'M IN THE MOOD FOR CARING?!"

"Umm…n-not really…"

"THANK YOU CAPTAIN OBVIOUS!!!"

"Uhh, the name calling…"

"What…about…it?"

"Nothing."

"That's what I thought!"

...

"I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, so sexy it hurts-"

"What in God's name are you doing?"

"I love that song, sorry."

"Don't say that word within the next 48 hours."

"Or?"

"Or I'll shove-"

"Never mind."

"Wise choice."

"…just out of curiosity, shove what where?"

"I'll shove both of my fists down your throat."

"Mmm, sounds nice."

"Excuse me?"

"Wanna add a foot with them?"

"What?!"

"I'm just saying that it reminds me of some of me and Rose's…activities. They're quite the-"

"Are you horny?"

"One more comment and I will be."

"Yikes…"

"That's what Rose said when she first saw my-"

"EMMETT!!!"

"That's what she screamed when we first-"

"FOR GOD'S SAKE!!!"

"She yelled that too! Great, Bella, now you've made me horny just thinking about it."

"Ugh, I feel bad for Edward and Jasper for having to put up with you all the time."

"Alice doesn't seem to mind when Jasper comes running to her after I make him hot."

"Really didn't need to know that, you know."

"That's what Eddy Boy says when he hears my mind."

"Did you just call him Eddy Boy?"

"Yeah, I'm surprised that you never called him that before. I do it all the time. Oh, I can tell you what else I do all the time. Or _who_ I-"

"How long is this gonna last?"

"It varies. Depends on how many houses Rose and I smash."

"Oh just kill me now…"

"Trust me, you'd be buried alive if you were anywhere near Rose and I while we were-"

"I get the point, smart ass!"

"He he, that's what Rose calls me because of all the things I can do with-"

"I can't believe I just walked right into that one."

"I remember when Carlisle walked right in on us a few weeks ago. Did Edward tell you about all the things he was thinking?"

"No because he probably knew that I wouldn't want to hear it."

"Oh. Well I'll tell you for him."

"Did you not just hear me say I don't want to hear it?!"

"Yeah, but I like ignoring you. So anyway, we were in this position that even I won't describe to you and Carlisle walked in to get some papers or whatever and he walked right back out. Guess what happened after that?"

"I'm ignoring you, I'm ignoring you-"

"He went straight to Esme because we made him hot. Oh, the power of vampire sex…"

"Emmett, please, just shut up and get us out of here."

"But I have more stories."

"I'm sure I'll hear them some other time. Just break the door down."

"But this is Esme's favorite door. She got it, like, a hundred years ago in Russia."

"Well then is anybody coming home soon?"

"I don't know, but I don't think Jasper will let us out again if he comes first. Something about teaching me a lesson about some crap I don't care about."

"What about me? I don't have to learn any lessons!"

"Oh, he'll let you out. But if you leave me in here alone, I'll go track down Eddy Boy and-"

"And you'll do what? Spread a rumor about me? He can hear that you're lying, you know."

"I'll just think of ponies and unicorns."

"…!!!..."

"You know you're kinda cute when you're confused."

"Are you hitting on me?"

"Yes, but only because I'm horny, remember that, sexy."

"Oh, hell no. I know you didn't just call me 'sexy'."

"I wonder what it's like kissing a human…"

"Emmett!"

"Probably really warm and soft and-"

"…"

"OWW!!!"

"Edward!"

"What the hell, Ed?! That was my crotch!"

"I warned you, Emmett, that if you ever harassed Bella like you just did, I would make sure that your future intimacy with Rosalie would be deformed."

"I thought you were joking!"

"Is that really in my character?"

"No, and neither is socking people in the balls! Oh, damn that hurts!"

"Suck it up, Em."

"Yeah, says that guy won't even touch his girlfriend…OWW!!!"

"Are you at all traumatized, Bella?"

"I'm better now that Emmett got what he deserved."

"HELLO?! SOMEONE WANNA GO GET ROSE TO MASSAGE MY…OWW!!!"

"None of that hand-job talk around Bella."

"If I were human, I don't think I would be able to have kids by now…"

"If you were human, you wouldn't even have your junk anymore."

"Okay, I get it. I'm sorry, Bella, for trying to make your life a little more exciting…FOR GOD'S SAKE, EDWARD!!! I HAVE OTHER BODY PARTS THAT YOU CAN HIT!!!"

"You're favorite teaches you a bigger lesson."

"…"

"Rose! Thank God you're here!"

"Yeah, whatever, Emmett. Are you okay, Bella?"

"WHAT?!"

"Uhh, yeah, Rosalie. I'm fine."

"ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!"

"Oh, shut up, Emmett. Who do you think you are, anyway?"

"What are you talking about?! Who do you think you are ignoring me like – OWW!!!"

"I should've hit you in the nuts like Edward. You're lucky all you got was a slap in the face."

"Are you people insane?!"

"You should ask yourself that question."

"No one needs your input, Bella…SHIT!!!"

"Wow, nice hit, Rosalie."

"Thanks, Bella. I've been wanting to do that for a while now."

"Uhh, Rosalie? I don't think you and Emmett will be able to have sex for a while now. He's cracked."

"Ohh…"

"Yeah. It hurts me just to think about it."

"Gee, thanks for the concern, guys. Where's Alice? I wanna know when I'll be healed."

"Right here."

"Hey, Alice."

"Hi, Bella!"

"Wow, someone's hyper."

"Just a little. So what'd you do this time, Emmett?"

"Something that really didn't deserve this kind of punishment, thank you very much!"

"Did you just get smart with me?"

"Figure it out!"

"Alice, I think it's your turn to hit him in his special area."

"You're right, Edward, but I think I know an even bigger way to punish him."

"I should be delighted to figure out what it is."

"I'm sure you will be, Emmett. What did you want me to do again?"

"Tell me when my best friend will heal, smart one!"

"Okay, give me a minute."

"…"

"Okay, got it."

"Well?"

"Well what?"

"Well, when can Rose and I get freaky again?"

"Ha, as if I'll tell you!"

"EXCUSE ME?!"

"Edward, wanna know how long it's gonna take?"

"…"

"…"

"Oh! That's convenient."

"How long, you jackasses?!"

"You're just making it worse, you know."

"Bella! Please!"

"What? You started this, you moron!"

"What's going on in here?"

"Carlisle! They're torturing me!"

"How?"

"What do you mean 'how'?! Does it really matter?!"

"Hey! That's your father you're talking to!"

"Bella!"

"It's okay, Bella. Emmett, what happened?"

"They broke my penis!"

"You mean cracked it?"

"Broke, crack, either way it hurts like hell and I think they should be punished!"

"Why did they do it?"

"He was hitting on me."

"Well in that case I say you deserved it."

"HUH?!"

"Emmett, you and Jasper were warned that there was a new female that was joining our family and if you ever tried anything, Edward would decide how you would be punished."

"She's not a part of our family! And if Edward doesn't man up and change her I don't think she ever will be! OWW!!!"

"Nice one, guys."

"You should try it sometime, Carlisle."

"I'll keep it in mind, Alice."

"I hate my family…"

"Even your wife?!"

"I didn't mean it like that, Rose, I just-SHIT!!!"

"Screw you, Emmett."

"Can't you do it…OWW!!!"

"You just walked into that one, bro."

"Shut up, Alice!"

"Hey! That's my best friend you're talking to!"

"Do I look like I'm in the mood for caring, Bella?"

"Don't quote me."

"I will if I feel like it! What are you gonna do about it…JESUS CHRIST!!!"

"Yeah, and I'll do that if I feel like it. Don't talk to my girlfriend like that ever again or you will pay the price. Come on, Bella. Let's go to the meadow."

"I have to go too. I need to find Jasper and tell him about this."

"Oh, I'll come with you. I need him to help me with something."

"Carlisle! Can you come and check my crotch to see if there's any more damage?!"

"Later, Emmett. Count this as your punishment."

"I need to move out of here…"

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**Like it? Hate it? REVIEW!!! Thnx :)**

**~Rachel :)**


	3. Insanity, Complete Immaturity

**I'm proud of you guys for being so patient with me. Your ideas were all really awesome (and some just downright hysterical) so I tried to merge them all into one. But that didn't turn out right at first, so I'm sorry, but I had to cut some things out. We'll see if I can get it included in another chapter…**

…

**Holy snap, did I just say that?**

**;)**

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"AHHH!!!"

"Bella, calm dow-"

"DON'T YOU _DARE_ TELL ME TO CALM DOWN!!!"

"You're a human. It's not good for you to freak out like this. Doesn't it cause zits or something?"

"EMMETT, YOU STUPID, IGNORANT, SON OF A-"

"Whoa!"

"DON'T INTERRUPT ME!!!"

"Yes, ma'am…"

"Emmett, how have you not yet found a way that you can commit suicide like a human being?!"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"I mean that it wouldn't be surprising if you did since you sure as hell find a way to mess up everything else!"

"Bella, come on. It's been a whole week."

"Your point?!"

"I mean don't I at least get a few pointers for the huge time span?"

"Nice try, Cullen!"

"At least I tried…"

"Emmett, this is insanity. Complete immaturity. And to top it all off, it's _impossible_! You can't possibly manage to drop a key for the third time!"

"What key?"

"What are you talking about? We're locked in here, so-"

"Bella, we're in Carlisle and Esme's room—which, by the way, should score me some points since we're not locked in a closet. It's not the same."

"We're trapped inside a room that has no momentary exit. I'm pretty sure they have a few similarities."

"Well since you put it that way…"

"What do you mean 'what key'?"

"They have an automatic lock on the door handle that locks it after three seconds. I tried to get the knob, but someone just _had_ to trip at second three."

"Super speed, dumbass?!"

"I got confused."

"Of course."

"And don't even think about breaking the door down. This door is one of a kind and they'd kill the both of us if they came back with it in woodchips."

"Well, if you don't get us out of here in the next five seconds, I'll have Edward and Jasper turn _you_ into woodchips!"

"Oh wow. Real creative, Bells…"

"What about the windows?"

"Alarm system. If they go off, all of Forks and the police department will come running in seconds. And I'll just let your mind wonder on what would happen if Charlie discovers us locked in a bedroom together…"

"I'll tell him that you dragged me in here because Rosalie isn't giving you any."

"Oh, right. Like he'd really believe the tramp who's flaunting her business in all of the guys' faces at schoo…oh crap."

"What did you just say?"

"…um…"

"Did you just call me a slut?"

"N-not technically. I-I was just referencing to those short-shorts that you wore on Monday…"

"…"

"Please say something."

"Believe me. I will."

"I don't need Alice here to tell me that this is somehow going to come back to me in a very painful way."

"Now you're finally thinking."

…3 Minutes Later…

"Anybody home?"

"Edward, up here!!! Hurry!!!"

"Bella? Bella, love, where are you?"

"Your parents' room! Help, I'm stuck!"

"Where's Emmett?"

"Trapee number 2."

"…"

"What are you doing locked in _here_? And Emmett, this is strike three, I'll be coming for you tonight."

"Ooh, scary. And I'm the one you should be concerned with! I was dragged in there, tied down, and then eye-raped while she molested my deliciousness."

"…?!?!..."

"Oh, don't look at me like I just ate a Thanksgiving dinner! I don't even blame her. Who wouldn't want to hit this while they're stuck with you?"

"You've got it coming faster, now…"

"Bella, what happened. Your side of the story is the only believable one, apparently."

"…that is what happened. Only _he_ wasn't the victim."

"What?"

"WHAT?!"

"Edward, it was horrible. You know how he _purposely_ dropped the key last week and started hitting on me?"

"Yes, go on."

"PURPOSELY?!?!"

"Well, apparently, he wanted to finish the job. Rosalie must be going on a pleasure strike since that day if he was desperate enough to…"

"Desperate enough to what, love?"

"…to kiss me."

"WHAT THE HELL?!?!"

"You _kissed_ her?!"

"Made-out, to be more specific. He was even going for those handcuffs and fiddling with my shirt."

"YOU LYING BITC-"

"Excuse me?!"

"Bella, I think what he's trying to say he's tremendously sorry and that it won't ever…in…life…happen…again. Right, Emmett?"

"THE HELL I AM!!!"

"Then I stand corrected. He's trying to pry my foot from his murdered ass!"

"Oh. Then I accept."

"…"

"EDWARD, STOP CHASING ME!!! I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!!!"

"He's lying, sweetie! Shoved his tongue down my throat and everything!"

"Why, you inconceivable little _prick_!!!"

"Bro's before ho's, remember, Ed?!"

"Did you just call my soul-mate a _HO_?!?!"

"…"

"Boys! Language!"

"Esme! Tell your first born to stop eating the deer with rabies! I think it's finally gone to his head!"

"What are you talking about, Emmett?"

"His little lying home-wrecker's upstairs waiting for my corpse! I think she's gonna feed on it later 'cause she sure as _hell_ isn't human! I'm gonna start calling her Buffy!!"

"HOME-WRECKER?!?!"

"Yeah, that's right. I called her a home-wrecking _slut_!"

"Emmett!!!"

"Have you lost your goddamn mind?!"

"Edward, language!"

"Esme, are you even hearing this?!"

"Yes, I am, but that's still no need for such foul tongue. Now, can we just go into the living room, bring Bella down here, and talk this through _rationally_?"

"What's there to talk about?! I didn't do anything!!!"

"That's a lie!"

"SHUT UP, BELLA!!!"

"…"

"SWEET BABY JESUS!!!"

"Alice, don't you ever knock?"

"Sorry, Esme, I guess I find it a little hard to control myself when I'm seeing this waste of valuable space calling my best friend a home-wrecking slut!"

"We wouldn't even have this problem if it wasn't for you, Alice!!! You're the one who dresses her like that…OWW!!!"

"Don't you ever again question my overactive fashion mind! At least I don't walk out of this house looking like a hobo on crack-cocaine!"

"I'd rather hang out with a bum on drugs than to listen to you and Rose go on and on about rags of clothes that make you look like mall whores anyway!"

"WHAT?!?!"

"Oh, you've _got_ to be kidding me…"

"This just got interesting…"

"Shut up, Edward…"

"DON'T YOU TELL MY BROTHER TO SHUT UP WHEN HE COULD BE THE ONLY ONE TO SAVE YOU!!!"

"No, Rose. He's on his own this time."

"Excellent. Any last words before your end, Emmett?!"

"Not from him, but I'd be glad to spill his final action."

"Go back upstairs, Bella."

"Shut up and let her talk! What did he do this time, Bella?"

"Bella, I'm warning you…"

"…he was digging through Carlisle and Esme's sex toy drawer and framing me for it."

"WHAT?!?!"

"You're gonna _burn_ for this one, Bella. You are going to burn and burn hot."

"Oh, and that reminds me, he kissed me, too."

"Is that right?"

"Yup."

"Hmm. Well in that case, Emmett, you can find some other whore to screw you tonight. And every other night from now on, for that matter, because I'm done."

"Huh?"

"You heard me. Fuck all the humans you want because you're not ever gonna see this vampire again, got it?!"

"Rose-"

"I don't even want to hear it."

"…"

"Happy now, Bella? You just ruined my 'marriage'."

"Yeah, a little. It makes me all fuzzy inside when you squirm."

"That's not even remotely funny."

"Oh, stop crying about it. She'll come back."

"I wouldn't be so sure about that."

"No, trust her, Emmett. She's a few miles into Forks right now, but she'll stop and turn around in about an hour. You have nothing to worry about."

"Alice, stop snooping in my business."

"Well I'm sorry if I just want to help you save your relationship with the girl of your dreams. You think that I spend all of my time focusing on which stupid sports game you're gonna watch next? You're not that important, Emmett."

"Story of my life. Glad to hear it."

"Okay, I'm sorry, Emmett, for chasing Rosalie away from you. When she comes back, I'll talk to her for you, alright?"

"I think you've done enough talking, Swan."

"She has a first name."

"And you're about to have my fist permanently embedded in your face, Edward, if you don't shut the hell up and leave me alone."

"Emmett, honestly, is the language really all that necessary?"

"Sorry, Esme. I'll try to keep my obvious torment to myself from now on."

"Thank you. That's all I ask."

…1 Hour Later…

"Emmett!"

"Rosalie! You came back!"

"Of course I did, dumbass, how could I leave my clothes here?"

"Love you, too."

"You know I'm kidding, sweetie. I'm sorry for all that stuff I said."

"Me, too. You don't look like a mall whore at all; you're beautiful. Unless you wear that little see-through lace number that I got you for our anniversary, that's a little less class and a little more ass, but-"

"You're ruining it."

"Sorry. Did Bella tell you what really happened?"

"…yup."

"You say that like she didn't tell you the full story."

"Oh, she told me everything. Every word of every conversation."

"You're scaring me."

"Not as scared as you will be when I let Edward get his hands on you for calling her a home-wrecking whore! Seriously, Emmett, how could you be so heartless as to call your brother's girlfriend a slut?! And above all that, how could you lock yourselves in a room together for the third freakin' time?! You need to learn how to be more responsible and see that it's not just about you anymore! You have to be conscience of the people around you! Do you understand what I'm saying?"

"…"

"Emmett!"

"Oh, sorry, babe, I was thinking about the game last night."

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**Ahh, the classic response to a rant of anything with a dick lol what'd you think?? I know it's long overdue, but I was having some kind of brain block that prevented me from writing this out. But then yesterday something inside me just snapped and my fingers went flying on the keyboard lol. This would've been up last night, but FF was PMSing.**

**REVIEW!!! Thnx :)**

**~Rachel :)**


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